A Tale for the New Year from Sholom Aleichem

From Hadassah Magazine;
by Sholom Aleichem translated by Curt Leviant

L’Shana Tova 

Imagine, every single one of them up to mr. big himself takes bribes. Don’t be shocked now—he accepts them too, if he gets an offer. What’s that? You don’t believe me? You’re all laughing, eh? Well, have fun…. Ready now? Have you all laughed yourself dry? Now gather round me, brother Jews, and listen to a story that happened a long time ago to none other than my grandfather, may he rest in peace. It happened in the good old days when Czar Nich was boss. Why’re you nudging me? What’re you scared of? You think these peasants sitting here know what we’re jabbering about? They won’t understand a word, blast them. I won’t be obvious and where necessary I’ll throw in some Hebrew. Just pay close attention and don’t interrupt me and everything will be fine.

To make a long story short. it happened during the reign of our present Mr. Big’s grandfather, after whom he’s named. Our fathers and grandfathers couldn’t forget that old Mr. Big for all the fine and dandy things he let loose against us. In short, their whole life

hung on a thread. We existed by the grace of little Mr. Big, or Buttons, as we called him, who ruled every shtetl. This Buttons liked to have his palms greased and loved Friday-night gefilte fish and tumblers of whiskey. So long as this went on the Jews breathed free and easy, did business, plied their trades and had a wonderful time.

But once—and whenever you hear but once, you know trouble’s coming—something happened. Buttons kicked the bucket. He suddenly upped and dropped dead and was followed by a new Buttons, a Haman, a villain, a rat, the likes of which you’ve never seen! He just couldn’t be greased! They tried bigger bribes. Still, no. They tried the real thing—big money. Still nothing doing. He wouldn’t go for gefilte fish. They dropped hints about rare liqueurs. He didn’t drink. Talk of being ethical! He was as clean as a whistle! If you begged him, he stamped his foot, kicked you out on your ear and then did things that just weren’t done. He gave summonses and fines. Didn’t let Jews do business or let Jewish teachers teach. If he saw a young woman, he’d rip off her marriage wig; a young man, he’d snip off an earlock.

Continue reading.Check out Jvillage’s High Holiday+    page.

While you're at it, check out our High Holidays holiday spotlight kit for great HHD ideas, recipes, crafts, etc.